with your own penis?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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