if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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