I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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