Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
