Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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