I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
