I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We talked him into tasing himself.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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