I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i would one night stand the shit outta him
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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