Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I need to sanitize my soul.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
