i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
