i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
