I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
