I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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