i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
