I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
