btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
