i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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