You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
