Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
