when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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