I seem to have left my pride at pride
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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