She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
