my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
