mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
