i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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