I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize