When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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