they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Never underestimate the power of titties
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
