I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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