I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
