he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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