This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
