My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
