I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize