At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
