You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
