Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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