just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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