Sacagawea was the original milf.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
