if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
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