My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
