i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
my nose is crying tears of wow.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize