so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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