Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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