I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
