I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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