way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
