And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
