So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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