Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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