i would punch a child for taco bell
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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