Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I looked at my own cervix.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
