he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
