I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
