The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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