I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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