just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
