My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
