I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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