Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
