You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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